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- You may have a point, but if it you smother that point around bile beans, frustratedly pulled pork marinated in hate, and wrap it up in a swear-torent-illa and make yourself a rageritto, no one will eat it

- Funny will beat out snarky

- Hating everyone equally does not make you not [adjective]-ist

- I like reviewing, but may need to make them more interesting, texturally

- Conflicting stories tell me that reviewing The Dark Griffon would be interesting

- The phrase is not "You can't have your cake and eat it too", structurally that makes sense to eat cake that you have; it should be "You can't eat your cake and have it too" whereby you cannot have/partake of something but not suffer some setback of your choice

- Oh, hey, my computer has Photoshop on it!

- Netflix would make reviewing more movies easier

- I'm thinking I should buy Megamind; I'm also thinking I can't afford that right now

- Jon Stewart and Bill O'Reilly are (most likely) friends, and can have more civil, interesting, and intellectual debates on topics despite being on polar opposite sides of both the political and television spectrum, more so than any other person who claims they speak for a political voice

- Four days until the end of the (Catholic pre-Rapture) world; wrap yourself in your snuggie for comfort

- The ocean has crabs, yo; get yourself tested, she been with everyone

Hey hey, bah-bee, what up wich you?

- Dream big, but don't forget where you are now
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I swear, this'll be the last (dedicated) post I do on My Little Pony. I'm sorry, it's just been on my mind since I saw it, and really I'm kind of excited about that. I haven't been this obessed with something in a while, so it's nice to know I still have my geek cred.

Anyway, our minds are strange things. Often, we want to know what we don't know. In that, when we're presented with something, often we want answers to that something. Once, maybe twice, we can just enjoy it without thinking deeply about it, letting it ride out and partaking of the entertainment. But then the ugly rational side rears back and says, "Hey! What about-" and then it's nothing but plot holes, nit picks and looking for answers to questions no one thought about because why would you think that?

As I have been rather My Little Pony focused of late, I've found several things that are of interest to me. Things that only occur to you when you've been thinking about it way too long. Things like:
  • Where are the parents?: Seriously, it's something that's really weird. Because we have siblings; we have grandparents; we have cousins; but where the hell are a pony's mom and dad? Are all ponies just non-commitial breeders, who come together only at the right ordained time to procreate? Such that ponies will only recognize siblings and grand parents, but whose parents bring shame because they're off studding for someone new this month?

  • Naming for the future: Consider this; a pony's name makes them easily identifible. You know their name, you know essentailly the kind of personality you're going to be dealing with. That's a lot of power. What you name the young pony is essentially labeling what they are to become later in life. Because think about it; when you name a young girl Fluttershy, what do you see her becoming? A goth-metal starlet? Rose? What, she'll becoming a taxidermist? What is chosen at birth seems cute, but really, you can decide how and who they'll grow up. And what if there's a popular naming trend that year? What if one year there's a lot of "milk" related names? Are there just going to be a lot of cereal enthusists joing the job market in later years?

  • Cutie marks: Ignoring the cutisee naming convention, why do they seem surprised by what they get? Everyone in Applejack's family has apple marks of some kind; granted some are baked goods, but still, apple related. Apple Bloom is worried and ever-questing to discover something to gain her mark; but her name is Apple Bloom, what you get is probably going to corrilate with apples. And going back to the naming ability, what are you setting yourself up for when you name your kid things like "Diamond Tiara" or "Silver Spoon"? Why would you name them these things, you're almost guranteeing yourself a couple of brats. And their marks are exactly what their name is, so how does work? They have passions for silver spoons and diamond tiaras? Maybe they grow up to be jewelists, I can see what their crafts would be, but still, bratty, bratty names!

  • It's good to be male: It's like wandering into your greatest Amazon fantasy; almost nothing but females. You are a stud; perhaps literally. Given the ratio of female to male, how does this work out exactly? Because you'd figure there's gonna be some fights growing up over rights to go after the guys. Monogamy doesn't seem practical, when by chosing one you abandon another 15 or so others to spinsterhood. This is why I wonder about parents, or the lack there of; if coitus is only for procreation, with the raising of children left to grown silbings of similar pairings or the older and feeble, then that means there are no pony relationships, beyond the magic of friendship and the magic of friendship "with benefits".

  • Pony/world symbosis: The ponies are responible for every aspect of the world they live in; pegasi bring or take the weather away, depending on what is needed or wanted, earth ponies takes care of the animal's needs like homes and food, magic may or may not be used in these applications, so here's what I'm left wondering; if the ponies were to suddenly have to vacate their homes, what would happen? Would the animals die out, having relied on the ponies for so long to bring them their meals, or tell them when it was time to migrate? Would the weather forever be whatever the last thing it was left as, flooded by unrelenting rain or dried bare in a cloudless sky's unmerciful sun? Is the world there to give home and cause to the ponies, or do the ponies make the land what is only by their presense?

  • Purpose in life: So, should there be alcohol or an intoxicant of some kind, does that mean there's a designated town drunk?

  • Never gonna grow up: Princess. Why Princess? A thousand year rule, don't you think she'd be Queen by now? She has the power to raise and lower the sun each day, she is the life bringer to the world. But think further; if she is just a Princess, who is above her? A Queen? A King? Is she the Jesus-Pony, brood of some higher power, brought or left on this earth to teach the mortal ponies the divine ways?

  • Not enough jobs: Okay, every pony has a purpose or passion in life, that they are whimsily named to and given a branding for. While I can understand the need for many farmers, exactly how many dress makers are needed in any one area? How many party planners or mayors? With so many ponies in one area, what happens with the over lap? Because there's a lot of ponies, but it's not exactly a large population area; I doubt the need for a lot of redundant job openings. But then what happens when one finally passes on? Is there a young pony who dreamed of their big break to fill this one position on the outside chance they'd one day be able to prove their stuff, or is there just an empty space left until someone fills it? Like, the world keeping turning (by the power of pony) but there's this little emptyness there that's left until someone grows up with the passion to fill that job?

So yeah, that's what's been on my (immediate) mind. Hopefully I'll find something to take it's place. I've been watching the new G.I. Joe: Renegades show, maybe I'll review that next.
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Everything has weird little trends. Tropes if you will. Things that form patterns that people notice when they happen often enough in a specific order. Little traits that span works of media again and again, sometimes keeping to a rout pattern to the point that they don't even know why anymore; it's just the next piece of a one line puzzle.

Being as I thoroughly enjoy kids films, or at least films aimed at kids, one thing I've found interesting is the high population of inventors. Many of them, usually at the start only getting in the way and making life difficult for everyone else. But only because they are misunderstood! If only they had a dire situation that required their selective skills, as well as a small group of friends, or at minimum friends who used to be puttering antagonists, to help them showcase their unique and timely talents. If only.

It most likely is a trope, but I'm not going to bother hunting for it; a trope is any established trait or pattern in media, whether it has a name or not. But I'm curious as to why inventiveness is such a go-to for writers.

The jaded side of me says that it's about marketing. And when I say marketing, I mean the mass production of toys. Have a character who makes a lot of weird shit, and have that shit throw something, and you have the potential to make it on a lot of Christmas lists. Kids films don't always rake in the dough, so to compensate there usually needs to be an associated toyline to get kids excited as well. When the film does awesome, it's just gravy.

The optomisitic side says that it's that want every kid has to be able to make something really, really cool. Like being MacGyver, only without a mullet or knowing who MacGyver is. To be able to make ray guns, or mini motor vehicles, or just anything that screams "rad" out of things avalible in your own home. Pretending that your mom's hairdryer is a freeze ray is on thing; to be able to actually do it would get you such a grounding, but be so worth it.

But it's still a little weird to be such a go-to personality add on. Even if it doesn't go anywhere, as long as the main character shows that part of the reason they aren't well liked is because they "think different" and their inventions are a physcial representation of that, it like saying clapping your hands and saying "done".

What really got me to notice this trend is How to Train Your Dragon. Main everyman Hiccup isn't well liked by the pretty much the whole village, excluding one hold out mentor figure. While he doesn't make very much weird stuff, his opening scene includes him showing off a bolos launching he made since he can't throw one himself. This is frowned upon, because instead of making up for what he lacks, he should've instead made himself able to throw them without help. And supposedly this is not the first thing he's made to make up for his lacking physique. The only other thing he makes the rest of the movie is a practical saddle for dragon riding, but the seed was planted. It's there, and it's why.

Flick in A Bug's Life. Tries to help by making things that, supposedly, will help the colony. Said invention ends up kickstarting the whole plot of the movie. By the end, his inventive skills not only save the day, but his original invention is adopted into the mainstream just like he dreamed.

Nick Szalinski in Honey, I Shrunk the Kids; actually, he gets a slight pass, as his father is an inventor and he merely wants to follow in his footsteps.

Lewis from Meet the Robinsons.

Artemus Gordon from Wild Wild West (not really a kids film, but still felt like one).

Doc Brown (because he's awesome).

And that not even getting into side or plot device characters.

Is being an inventor something to aspire to? The movies say yes, but think about what they have to go through to get to that point where things are hunky-dory. For the most part, things are not so good for them. Generally they're hated or disliked until such a time that circumstances absolutely require their speific ingenuitity.

Is all this a bad thing? No, not really, not in the long haul of things. The visual of handmade, creative items are almost always appealing, and if it helps jumpstart the creative processes of kids, who am I to complain. But it is weird. Are there that many ackward kids or people out there who need to have their unsung hero template? Are there that many people belittled specifically for thinking and making creative devices? Really?
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Haven't been feeling too right lately, but through some chattering with [personal profile] limiinal (who I need to keep chattering too) and a recent call back home, I'm feeling better than I did.

And so, with no segue whatsoever, high school cross country.

It's weird to think that had I not broken my arm I never would have joined.

The last month before starting my high school career (why is that even called that?), a friend of my parents had left his four-wheeler ATV at our house. Being the kids we were, my sister and I used it as much as we could before it disappeared. One afternoon, I and a neighbor were racing each other; myself on the four-wheeler, he on a dirtbike. The four-wheeler was not exactly powerful, so for the most part lost in any races against the dirtbike. But at one point I got ahead, and being a wider wheeled vehicle could kick up a lot more dust, and was feeling pretty good.

Then I decided to turn around and see how far back he was.

The next time I opened my eyes, and it literally felt like less than a blink, I was in the passenger seat of the truck, my mom driving me to the hospital, and my left arm doing its best impression of the letter "Z" in my lap. Awesome.

Turns out I broke my arm in the most difficult way, a clean break. Should you not know, a doctor would rather your arm be jagged when it breaks, because then it's a relatively simple matter of putting the two parts back together, like a puzzle piece. With a clean break, it's more of pressing two flat pieces of wood together and telling them to stay there with no glue. So I was looking at several months in a cast.

During this period, I recieved in the mail a flyer for school teams, one of which being cross-country. At the time I can't say I had much interest, but my mom wanted me to do something, and suggested that I could be a team manager if nothing else, and so packed me into the truck and drove me to practice. My best friend and neighbor came with, to keep me company.

I'm still not sure how it happened exactly, but somehow I ended up doing warmups, then running, and my friend took over manager duties, and it remained so for both of us for the rest of high school.

I love cross-country. Seeing people's looks when you say you "run for fun" is always worth a laugh, because more often than not they then you're mental for doing so without any provication. For our school at least, I also think it was the most tight-knit of teams. While not team wide all the time, we all were good friends, and most of us would end up doing something with another over the rest of the year, even after the season ended. New members were quickly absorbed into the fold and cheered on.

It was helped that cross-country was the highest ranking team sport in the school. I still hate football and basketball for being the big sports in school, when the teams weren't really that good and it was considered a big deal just to rank in semi-finals (never winning beyond the first round). Cross-country rountinely went to state finals almost every year, and actually won my sophmore year. But who gets the pep rallies? *grumble* The PTA at one point bought pendants to hang around the gym, each for every sport that got to a certain level in their divisions. A full 70% were cross-country.

I still enjoy running, though I don't make myself do it as much as I'd like. I don't think I'd ever have joined on my own had my arm not be broken. So while I can't say I enjoyed having the annoyance of a full arm cast for two months, followed by a forearm cast for another two, I also can't say I see it as a bad thing to happen.
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*preface note* i'm well aware of the implications lj has proposed with their soul selling whore-like actions media expansion to include twit and fb inclusion, but choose to trust in those who read my journal. granted, i'm not going to be quite as open, writing wise, but i'm not going to stop writing here*

Inner child doesn't mean being pregnant )

I will keep the kid side of me close to the top. There's no reason to bury it just because you grow up.

Deadlines

Jul. 31st, 2010 07:30 pm
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It's weird to think that life has it's own deadlines, whether you make them yourself or they just appear without you knowing you were on the clock. And you can't avoid them; postpone, maybe, if you manage to work out some kind of deal, but eventurally the big hand reaches midnight, the countdown hits zero, whatever supposedly happens to mark the passing happens and you're left to wonder why you even got in the race to begin with.

This deadline, at least, I know about, but is still annoying.

My best friend, who I travelled cross crountry to be roommates with, has decided to have a quarterlife crisis. This crisis involves not being content with his life as he sees it, and, though I don't think he'd admit it, the way life has of settling you down and he's not taking the settling well. Steady job, steady relationship, knowledge he wouldn't have to do much more, the whole deal seems to just set him on edge. He wants to have done so much more, and every step that leads to being like "everyone else" and settling down just scares the bejeezus out of him.

So, in his infinite wisedom, as soon as our lease is done in March, he's going to move to Arizona. The reason is valid, he wants to go to school to learn to be a specialized mechanic, and he only really plans on being there one year. The whole crowbar in the bike wheel is that I, being said roommate, will be on my own.

It's not the first time he's done something similar, either. Three years ago he up and decided to move to Portland, mainly because he got a bug up his ass that if he didn't move right then, then he figured he never would. So he did, to prove that he could, regardless of anyone else. This, while not totally overlapping, has shades of that episode.

So, now, I know that come March I'm a little S.O.L. in terms of living arrangements. I could, in theory, get my own place, and I may end up doing so. I could also end up moving, be it also to Arizona, to keep him company, keep rent down, and for the change of scenery; or, possibly, and this one is kinda winning out on the moving side of the issue, I could go up north, up past Seattle, where I have friends and such.

I hate this kinda stuff, I don't know what I want out of all this. I'm pretty much on my own, so there's really not anything holding me back. No relationship (unfortunately); my friend actually broke his off so they wouldn't have a deathclock to the relationship, and because he doesn't want to attempt a long distance relationship (don't blame him there). No job that can't be done someplace else, annoying as it is to get licensed in another state, and find another job. And a big part of it was, I just moved here. I thought, when I left DC, that he was happy where he was and wasn't gonna be going anywhere again, that was part the point of moving to Portland in the first place. So I moved, for what may amount to only one year, and then everything gets topsy-turvy fuckall again.

Fuck.
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Know what sucks about liking soda so much? You drink too much, are still awake at one o'something in the morning, with only the sounds of a fan blowing not-so-cool air around the apartment and what I imagine to be the smoking, and possibly high, hippie-like neighbors laughing much too loudly even though it's against complex sound ordinance, and thereby letting yourself think much too long about things that will only get you down.

I'm not where I want to be. Few people are, and future ambitions aside that's not what I meant. At the moment, I'm waiting to hear back from the state licensure after much too fucking long so that I can go to work. I can't work without that license, so I'm stuck doing nothing until then...well, okay, not entirely true, but I have a job lined up already. My saved cash is running out, and I'm on a shoe-string budget as is. My writing isn't coming as smoothly as one could hope, which isn't so much a thing, being I'm not currently making money from it, but it's not helping.

And, of course, all this is when my Jeep window decides that it's going to burn out the motor while the window is "down", so now I'm ghetto fabulous with a trash-bag window.

I moved out from Washington D.C. in late March to Portland, OR, to be roommates with my best friend who I roommated with a few years previous. In D.C. I was more or less scabbing, living with my grandfather, rent free, while I went to school to try to do something more with my life than live at home (again, long story) and work a full-time job/part-time hours serving job; a job I had just quit, rather than let my budding sociopathy bear fruit and unleash all those nice little comments I hold back when you crack a stupid joke about the special or attempt to be witty to a server who, really, could care less. See, I've been out three years and still it comes back rather quickly.

I moved to Portland to attempt to be more...I dunno, adult. Parents aren't close enough to turn to if I need help, no family at all in the same state (well, not entirely true, I had an uncle who lived here, but I didn't know that until he had already passed away years ago, but I barely knew even him, so his family don't even register to me), a best friend who has his own issues and worries, and rent to pay. Hurrah, hurrah.

In the middle of it all, I find myself, in the damning quiet of not having anything to distract me, trying to figure out what I want. Not just for myself, but what is it I'm going for.

No girlfriend; I feel socially awkward as is, and while I can blend in fine with you normies, actually striking up a conversation with a female has never exactly been my forte. I can fake it, I can even flirt in fact, but actually making any move of substance; not exactly where I shine. I've only had one previous girlfriend, and that was a pretty serious relationship...for what it was, looking back at it, I was massively unmature enough to understand a lot of it. But it was what it was, and I still care for her, though not that way. We split on good terms, and hell, I jumped at the chance to have the honor of marrying her to her husband (good guy, fellow geek) when she announced she was engaged. Also, I had no money for a gift, really wanted to give them something meaningful, and it helped reconnect with her again. Somehow I ended up getting a gift from them for officiating, I'm still not quite sure how that works out but anyway...

Hell, I don't having many people I could even call "friend". My roommate is my best (male) friend, for all his pluses and minuses. My best (female) friend is one state up, I really need to get up to visit her come to think of it, and unfortunately we don't talk enough. What friends I still have from highschool are mostly names on Facebook now, those I made at work pretty much stay "work friends", of those work friends all of them are in different states now, and I'm too much a shy bastard to actively go out and meet people. An extrovert, I am not. Internet friends are internet friends, you take as much from them as there is. Some you know, some you think you know, others you delude yourself into saying their friends, but too many are just names that aren't theirs and words on a screen you have to try to place a face and voice to, and often there isn't one.

Geez, I tried to write this out to get it off my chest, when is the healing supposed to begin, eh?

But then again; words on a screen. When you don't actually talk to someone, nobody's really listening.

I think I need to not think for a minute.
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Being told you're smart is annoying. Yes, it feels good to know that others acknowledge the fact that you can retain what you've learned well and apply it to a given situation, but that doesn't mean you always need to hear it. You know you're smart. Shut up. Too often it feels like the person telling you is trying to guilt you into something. You aren't doing enough with your life, you could be in a better job, you aren't applying yourself to higher things. Hey, guess what? Not everyone wants more. Or at least not the more that you want. I'm sorry if you feel you've stalled out in life, but just because I may have the intelligence to have gone further doesn't mean I'm in a situation that would allow me to do so; or even if I was, I may be perfectly happy where I am.

I don't think that had anything to do with what I'm trying to say.

Rationalization. I consider myself fairly intelligent, and given enough foreknowledge and fact about a certain subject I feel I can often rationalize almost anything. I can play out scenerios hundreds of times with tiny changes that alter the entire outcome. I'll reverse engineer a decision or plotpoint and come up with why they went with that. But this is also annoying as hell.

This ability has gotten me into...well not direct, but has given me trouble in my life, in both personal and in my writing. The ever present "what if" hangs over my head constantly, and has me second-guessing myself as to whether or not I made the right decision. I know I've lost out on several occasions in my life that would have otherwise been much different had I just made up my mind, or not worried about the "what if" and instead focused on the "what now" actually presented. When I try to write, if I don't have a set idea of what I want, I'll have the scene playing like a movie in my head again, and again, and again, with those hundreds of tiny changes I mentioned and I don't get anything done because I don't know what is the best version to go with.

But when something is already done and over with, I can back track and see what might have been. This is the whole "twenty-twenty hindsight", knowing that the other choice would have been better, but more than that really. Knowing how a person reacts, or will react, can alter how you work with the choice already made. I'll look back and see that, had I just done this a little different, I would be slightly better off.

This whole thing makes planning ahead difficult, because I want to have it all set before me. If I do this, I want this to happen; should I say this, I want this person to react just so. If I go two spaces forward, I want the oppose to move backwards diagonially left. And to a certain degree I can predict what will come, and rolling with the variables is part of the whole game, but it skews the decided upon idea sideways, and then I'm left trying to get this whole thing either back on track or at least as close to where I want as I can.
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Recently...

...well, not really, I joined almost a month ago, but I joined Anti-Shurtugal, an "almost hatedom" of the Eragon Trilogy Cycle. If you don't know, basically we rip to shreds the non-literate that is Christopher Paolini.

I haven't been using this account like I wanted to. I meant to get back into the swing of things, and writing so much more, but with work draining me of energy it's just not been there.

But I figure if I can manage to post to AS, I better be able to add something to my own page.

Soon I hope to add some story ideas, or even better parts of stories I've been working on.

Something, you know?
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I haven't written in while...I'm assuming this, I'm lazy enough that I won't even check when my last post was. I believe this to be for a couple of reasons. Reason A, being that I haven't had the time for the past few weeks dealing with pre-Christmas life, and Reason 2 that I hate writing about my lack of writing about what I'd rather be writing about.

Let's see, what's changed in the past few days that nobody reading will care about; lost half my job right before Christmas (yay). That wasn't unexpected, and really I'm not feeling it that bad, but still it sounds depressing to write. I'm not sweating it, shifts at my primary employment will increase (and have, I don't know why I'm speaking in the past tense) and I'll actually be making more money.

Christmas came and went, and whoop-dee-fucking-doo. This year was not a holiday sharing mood for me, and I really wasn't feeling like hugs all around. I went out to my parents place, enjoyed the quite of the country; can't believe I forgot how peaceful it is out there. Got a few cool things, but we kept it small so there wasn't like major presents given or received. I did score a laptop carrier. Trying to find one for a 17" screen is harder then it sounds.

Then, I've decided, there are my New Year resolutions. Sitting down and thinking it out, I think I really need to set some goals for myself. I remember back in school, doesn't matter what year you pick, the teacher(s) would always assign you the chore of picking resolutions for yourself, and you would go and make a list to turn in so that you'd get whatever arbitrary grade they were giving. They were things that sounded good, but really you had no intention of doing. I look back and wonder why I never took it seriously. Probably because it was assigned, but really, why did I never set a goal for myself. Is this why I'm where I am?

And so, bearing past all that self indulgence crap above, here are my resolutions;

1) Learn to play the saxophone
I love this instrument, and kick my self in the ass when I think about why I stopped. I think it was a mix of young enthusiasm mixed with a bad teacher. The music teacher of the school, which was the band I was learning/playing with, was a guy who wanted to play college level bands but never had the talent or luck himself to raise that high and was stuck with private school elementary bands. He didn't try to teach the instruments so much as he wanted us to be a band that he could direct. And with kids who barely know their instruments well enough, I lost my interest in jazz sax. I want it back.
2) Learn Japanese (spoken)
This is just a practical one for me at this point. I love the language, and watch enough Japanese films (yes, more then just anime, though that does make up a large part of the list) that I'd rather be able to understand by ear then read subtitles all the time. Also, knowing a foreign language is always useful and looks good on applications.
3) Finish a story
Plain and simple, I suck. I need to finish one of any dozens of stories I've started over the years, and with more ideas coming at me something needs to be done. I want the feeling of achievement that comes from doing something from start to finish that you yourself have worked on. Something bigger then model building.
4) Get said story published
Directed related to resolution 3, as well as the main ambition for it. I want my name in print, plain and simple, and not on a wanted poster for blowing something up.
5) Achieve a higher state on independence then I currently have
I see this as having the monetary needs to have my own place to live, without roommates, and being able to pay my own bills without outside help. At the moment, I don't even have my own car. This sucks, and not just because I feel like a mooch.
6) ...
...yeah, only one other person gets to know this resolution, and you ain't it. I make this one for myself, because I do need it. It being what you don't know. And you don't because it's very personal.

Aaaaaand it past one in the morning, and s'long.
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First off, no it's not a joke about how long a guy lasts during sex. We can go 15, nay 20 seconds if need be.

Really, I hate that feeling. When you're out and about, kinda minding your own business when it sneaks up on you; that look of ten seconds. You know what I mean, that fleeting sensation when you see someone who attracts you on some simple level. A person who you live a lifetime with, if only for those short moments when your eyes meet. And then your eyes drift; you walk in opposite directions; the light changes, whatever. But your left with that feeling of 'if' and just the short memory of a face you saw for a quick lifetime.

As I said, "hate". It's a horrible feeling, so fleeting. I guess it could be a test of courage, seeing if you have the moxy enough to say something to them. But I don't think so, not when it happens in situations that you could not get to the other person. The best you can do is let out a long sigh, look up in the sky and keep walking.


On a totally unrelated angst, I'm about to lose half my job.

How the half part works is this; I work for a small family corporation. They own three, soon to be two, restaurants in the city and one rock hauling truck that's stationed in Arizona. Anywho, I started at one of the restaurants and slowly (very slowly, actually) made it up to server. Half-way to this, I started working at one of the other establishments because they needed some holiday help and I had some free time to lend. So for the last year my time has been divided between the two.

The restaurant I started at is really good; it has consistently made money every month since it opened five years ago. The second has only made money the last four months it's been running, which is about six years. The math is not so good. Tried and failed attempts to bring it back up have come and gone, and now they're throwing in the towel. I can't blame them, they probably should have cut their loses some time ago. I just can't help thinking that when it rains it pours; then when it pours, your umbrella leaks. I might take it easier if only I didn't have this fucking Jeep issue to deal with at the same time. Money will be tight for a while I fear.

I keep wondering if I should toss in the white flag myself; I've been told by many sides I should. And I've thought about it. But every time, just when I'm about to not be so weak willed, whatever it is I was asking for comes through, and I lost whatever reason at the time I had. So I've stayed. But then I wonder why; there are no benefits, what is offered is crap (Aflac, which contrary to their comericals, sucks large amounts of unwiped ass). Hours are inconsistent. You live a full-time job for part-time hours. And I get to work with the parts of humanity that feel that they are God's wallet and if you wish to be tipped from the Almighty's pocketbook, you damn well better bow when they lift and shake their coffee cup at you.

I want to write. Professionally, author-like publications. But my writing ability is limited, I think. I can create characters; that's easy, and fairly entertaining. But putting the characters into the story is where I seem to faulter. And I want to do that so much.

*sigh* Okay, I am so angsting; I'm taking a moment before I start wearing black and get described as 'emo'.
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A few days ago, my roommate waxed un-poetic about how he yearned for the day of youth, when we ourselves had no responsibilities beyond coming home with no gushing blood or protruding bones (and homework). Our biggest worries dealt with teachers and tests, and what to do with the summer. I empathized, and knew what he was talking about, but didn't think much of it at the time.

Today I knew what he felt and desperately wanted to return to such days.

Truth be told, what it was wasn't that big. My engine froze sometime the previous night, and I was taken to ask said roommate for his car keys. And I have permission to use the car as needed until mine is fixed, but that's not the point. It never is. The point being that I was one day away from taking my Jeep into a garage anyway for different problems, so all I needed was just two more days of it starting. But the closer to Christmas, I think, the more things have the tendency to fuck up sideways.

...breaking news, my best friend (and ex) just got engaged while in Japan. I'm going through the different phases of shock and will faint in due course.

So, finding out my personal transport had failed me, I went to work in borrowed goods pissed off at the world and ready to bite the head off anything that sneezed at me too loud. I dunno, something about when you're mad at little things means that everything is ten times worse. I lost the feeling about 2 in the afternoon, but until then I just wanted people to shut the fuck up and stop saying the stupid things that come out of their mouth. But I held my tongue and made it through the day. Still annoyed that my Jeep doesn't run and I may have to have it towed somewhere, but it could be worse. I think that it's the first major 'thing' I've had to deal with since moving out on my own has something to do with it, and it takes everything in me not to run home to have my parents fix everything for me.

May I not fuck this up beyond fixing.

...as for the engaged thing...yeah, I need thinking time.

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ravenswept

January 2013

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