ravenswept (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ravenswept) wrote2010-09-05 11:56 am
ravenswept) wrote2010-09-05 11:56 am
Un-marriage
I've had marriage on my mind the past few days. Not mine of course, I'd need at least a girlfriend to even consider it, but the concept in general and those of a few friends of mine.
It comes up at all because the other day I got news that a childhood friend I had, and the son of friend's of the family since before I was out of diapers, was getting a divorce. And it was news to me, mainly because I've really only had contact with them, my friend and his wife, through Facebook (you know, the current villian, or at least Dragon, to LJ right now) and their words never betrayed anything wrong. Granted you can withhold as much as you want and put on a happy text, but there was really nothing that preceeded this news.
And it's sad, because they seemed (don't they all) happy with each other. I was at their wedding the summer before I moved, and it was a pretty big deal; fancy mansion reserved for the ceremony and reception, a hella lot of food (prepared by the bride's family), a video kiosk for making a congratulations vid, it was a double wedding with friends of theirs, rented old school limo carriages, the works. And every time I saw them they seemed to be in love.
All I found out, and I need to call her (the mother-friend who's keeping me informed) and find out more, is that apparently the wife has had four affairs - whether this counts as four seperate people or just four incidents is unknown - over the course of their three-to-four year marriage. Sad times, I liked them both. Loyalties go to the groom though, he and his family are who I got way back with.
I'm told he's happy now, having removed himself from the situation and making the decision to seperate; happier than he's been in a long time, which makes me wonder how happy he or they were in private.
Before all this and some years earlier, another friend of mine, this time from high school, got married too. This... was not a marriage I supported. For many reason. First, he was too young. He was, I want to say, twenty-two, but not really emotionally set for this level of commitment. He was the kind of person who acted like an adult, because that's how he though an adult should act, but wasn't really quite "acting" like an adult. It's not that I don't think people can't be married young and have it last, but he was just not ready.
Next, they had only known each for about six months, and had been living together for four of those months. To me, for them, much too soon. Again, he was acting how he thought an adult should act, part of that brought on because his to-be wife was some seven years older than him, and had already been married once before. Again, I'm not against short courtships, but for them it was just not something I could support.
Then there just a bunch of smaller things that seemed off about the whole deal. She wanted him to change his name. Not "take her name", but have him change his last name to something else because his last name reminded her too much of an old boyfriend (who's first name was close to my friend's last name) and she would take that. There was also how fast the whole thing came about. From decision, to prep, to date it all came together in a way that seemed like they were rushing towards something but there not being any deadline. She wasn't pregnant, neither was moving anywhere, but still the wedding "needed" to be soon.
As bad as it sounds, myself and few friends started a divorce pool betting on long we thought the marriage would last. We supported them, despite our reservations, but weren't keeping up any false hope.
Their marriage lasted a year. It didn't end well, there was a lot of fighting, and while I think they're on ammicable terms now, it was an ugly seperation. And again, as bad as it sounds, I place a lot of the blame on his shoulders. He had been warned. He, supposedly, knew what he was getting into (I don't truly believe he did). And it was a lot of mainly his decisions after the fact, much of which I found out later, that were what led to the final outcome.
In part because of this, my mind has wandered to the thought of marriage and where I stand on it. My ranking is pretty low. No real love life to speak of. My last real girlfriend is already taken, no real love life to speak of, and I don't really have any game to take with me should I even go out. There is something of a bit of a crush. But nothing that looks like that kind of relationship - or any kind of relationship - on the horizon.
Eh, I'm just gonna depress myself if I keep thinking along those lines, and I've already gone more emo in a few posts than I've wanted to.
Still, I'm sad for my friend. His marriage is ending for reasons he had no control over, and seperating from someone I think he really did love and trusted, and that trust was abused. More than once.
It comes up at all because the other day I got news that a childhood friend I had, and the son of friend's of the family since before I was out of diapers, was getting a divorce. And it was news to me, mainly because I've really only had contact with them, my friend and his wife, through Facebook (you know, the current villian, or at least Dragon, to LJ right now) and their words never betrayed anything wrong. Granted you can withhold as much as you want and put on a happy text, but there was really nothing that preceeded this news.
And it's sad, because they seemed (don't they all) happy with each other. I was at their wedding the summer before I moved, and it was a pretty big deal; fancy mansion reserved for the ceremony and reception, a hella lot of food (prepared by the bride's family), a video kiosk for making a congratulations vid, it was a double wedding with friends of theirs, rented old school limo carriages, the works. And every time I saw them they seemed to be in love.
All I found out, and I need to call her (the mother-friend who's keeping me informed) and find out more, is that apparently the wife has had four affairs - whether this counts as four seperate people or just four incidents is unknown - over the course of their three-to-four year marriage. Sad times, I liked them both. Loyalties go to the groom though, he and his family are who I got way back with.
I'm told he's happy now, having removed himself from the situation and making the decision to seperate; happier than he's been in a long time, which makes me wonder how happy he or they were in private.
Before all this and some years earlier, another friend of mine, this time from high school, got married too. This... was not a marriage I supported. For many reason. First, he was too young. He was, I want to say, twenty-two, but not really emotionally set for this level of commitment. He was the kind of person who acted like an adult, because that's how he though an adult should act, but wasn't really quite "acting" like an adult. It's not that I don't think people can't be married young and have it last, but he was just not ready.
Next, they had only known each for about six months, and had been living together for four of those months. To me, for them, much too soon. Again, he was acting how he thought an adult should act, part of that brought on because his to-be wife was some seven years older than him, and had already been married once before. Again, I'm not against short courtships, but for them it was just not something I could support.
Then there just a bunch of smaller things that seemed off about the whole deal. She wanted him to change his name. Not "take her name", but have him change his last name to something else because his last name reminded her too much of an old boyfriend (who's first name was close to my friend's last name) and she would take that. There was also how fast the whole thing came about. From decision, to prep, to date it all came together in a way that seemed like they were rushing towards something but there not being any deadline. She wasn't pregnant, neither was moving anywhere, but still the wedding "needed" to be soon.
As bad as it sounds, myself and few friends started a divorce pool betting on long we thought the marriage would last. We supported them, despite our reservations, but weren't keeping up any false hope.
Their marriage lasted a year. It didn't end well, there was a lot of fighting, and while I think they're on ammicable terms now, it was an ugly seperation. And again, as bad as it sounds, I place a lot of the blame on his shoulders. He had been warned. He, supposedly, knew what he was getting into (I don't truly believe he did). And it was a lot of mainly his decisions after the fact, much of which I found out later, that were what led to the final outcome.
In part because of this, my mind has wandered to the thought of marriage and where I stand on it. My ranking is pretty low. No real love life to speak of. My last real girlfriend is already taken, no real love life to speak of, and I don't really have any game to take with me should I even go out. There is something of a bit of a crush. But nothing that looks like that kind of relationship - or any kind of relationship - on the horizon.
Eh, I'm just gonna depress myself if I keep thinking along those lines, and I've already gone more emo in a few posts than I've wanted to.
Still, I'm sad for my friend. His marriage is ending for reasons he had no control over, and seperating from someone I think he really did love and trusted, and that trust was abused. More than once.
no subject
no subject
I'm not sure why, but this reminded me of something a friend once said. I'm paraphrasing here, but gist was that if a relationship is broken off, even on a bad note like an affair on the side, wasn't it still worth it for the good times? And wasn't it even successful during those good times? It's just interesting to think about how an ended relationship or a divorced marriage is often viewed as "failed," when it doesn't necessarily have to be seen that way.
no subject
no subject
I totally agree that it varies from one relationship to the next, and that more people are hung up on what the "concept of marriage" is rather than what means to be married.
no subject
On marriage itself, I don't know. I'm always reminded that historically and culturally, it's primarily a contract between two people. Sure, it's evolved in Western cultures to include love, but that's not the dominant nature of the beast.
no subject
This reminds me of the wedding I proceeded over. The bride and groom wrote out how they wanted the whole ceremony to be read (they opened with a H.P. Lovecraft quote!) and the whole thing took maybe fifteen minutes. But one thing they avoided was any mention of "possession" "taking" or "joining". Instead it was about unity, being two parts together rather than one whole. Their vows were that from The Corpse Bride.
no subject